One of the
issues I had in the beginning of my recovery was the words I would choose when
speaking to someone. Now why that was,
I just don’t know. Let me give you an
example. Let’s say I needed to go to the
bathroom to relive myself. If I was
speaking to someone I might say, “O, I need to pee in the toilet!” Instead of,” Excuse me, I need to use the
restroom.”
Now my biggest
issue was, I have what is called, no mental barriers. A barrier in our brain is the ability to stop
yourself from saying something you are thinking of privately and not blurt it
out both good or bad. For example if you
don’t like something someone is wearing or something you’re eating, that was
home made at someone house, and you just blurt out what you’re thinking. Now
not only have you embarrassed yourself, but also you are hurting the other
person with those words. Now if they realize you have that issue, it makes it
even harder for them to deal with it!
Why you ask? One, you spoke to
them what you really thought of the situation. Two, they realize you don’t have the ability
to keep your true thoughts inside. Third,
they might still have to live with the negative opinion from someone they love
and care about who just spoke up about how their clothes looked or their food
tasted.
In the beginning
the person with this issue might not realize what they are saying is wrong to
say! I know that I didn’t. I just said whatever I was thinking about, anything
about anybody, good or bad. I would
speak out about it, whether it was right or wrong to speak out about it, out loud! Eighteen years later, it really bothers me
about how bad it was for me back then! Moreover,
even though I fully understand why it was happening, I’m still very embarrassed.
I could not keep
it to myself, nor could I tell a lie!
You would think that having a person around you, who could not lie, even
if they wanted to, was marvelous! However,
in this culture everyone is into the little white lies, I couldn’t! Over time due to losing the type of work I
loved doing, do to certain issues in my private life, I would fool myself into
believing I was someone else, and able to be
fool others I was this new person!
Those thoughts is what I used to give myself a better opinion of myself,
after crying out to the Lord asking why was I not protected from those life
events!!
I really hate to
confess to you in writing, but I was hurt, mad, and upset with the Lord! Boy am I a stupid man! If anything the love of the Lord is why He
let me live! He let me live to not only
look at myself and the ugly , horrible hurt that I had gone through in my life,
but that by His grace He helped and is helping me rebuild both my physical and
spiritual life.
Since that had
happened, I was like Peter who denied the Lord 3 times, except I was denying
the Lord in many ways! However, let me
say this, there is no soul, no human on earth that is or was perfect, except
Jesus the Christ! Before my brain
injury, I constantly passed judgement on many people, issues, and works of
others. Yet the Lord stated, Judge not
that you ne not judged! “John 7:1 KJV
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