When the Truth and False Comes Out....By Denny C.

            Many times when a person has had a severe brain injury, they can have many changes in their future.  Sometimes it’s their work life, their marriage life, their financial life, and their spiritual life.  And all of the uncertainty, the possible hurt, and major life changes can cause them to wonder, “Why have lived in the 1^st place?”   You see, this was me.   Notice I say it “was” me!     

            When I got released form T.I.R.R. in patient and then started out patient, my married life was the 1^st one that went on the brink.  My former wife is disabled and I believe to this day, that she thought if I wasn’t all there, and the possibility that I would never recover, that she would be stuck holding the bag and wouldn’t be able to make it.  I have never had any hard feelings over that possible fear and thinking she might have had!

            That could have happened to anyone, but there are other issues that came up which I will not go into, on this post.  But what did happen, ruined my work life that can never be undone.  Let me just say that when I lived, it set a path for me and those related to me, that has even swayed my children in a way toward things that are untrue.

            There were from those days many false rumors that went out about my private life, that were proven to be false from every way possible, but we live in a  world where people love to gossip , and they love to gossip about stories that were told by their spouses, children, friends, and even preachers!

            And unfortunately those, who I loved dearly, who really stabbed me in the heart with their words, judgments, and actions.  I fully believe in the verse where it is said, “Judge not, that you be not judged!”  And if the religion they follow is to put everyone, except themselves, on the must be perfect, on the level with the Lord, they have missed the point of the grace of God entirely!

            Let me say this one time only, there has been and will never be any perfect person that has walked the face of this earth, except one, Jesus the Christ, the son of God!  I got so tired of listening to the gossip stories that went on between certain preachers, and certain members of the church of Christ!   

            My grandma Holloway always told me, “If you don’t have something positive to say, then don’t say it!”  Now I must admit, when I was young, I never followed her advice on that subject. I have been just as guilty of talking about a person and the mistakes they made in a way that I have never made any mistakes!  You see my friend that is a sin!  And the Lord’s said it best when He said, “To him who is without sin, cast the first stone.”  This he said to an adulteress who was going to be stoned by the holy that thou group of that day. That verse has hung in my head for decades!   Turn on the news, listen to the men and the ladies in their conversation outside of worship, work, school, or with the family when they are together.  How many times do we or others around us, repeat what we have been told or seen on the television, or heard on the radio, or something through media, or something told to us by a person?

             Well I think I’ll get off my soap box now!  But again I have spoken to many souls who have had major physical life stories and for some of them, they are even worse than mine!  And let me leave you with the following question.  If you never knew them or heard them say it, or saw them do it, how do you now it’s true?  Only the Father in heaven can see all and know all, as to the truth that is in the heart of every one of us and what is buried deeply in our thoughts and hearts! 

Word Choice and Private Thoughts Are Always Interesting! By Denny C

One of the issues I had in the beginning of my recovery was the words I would choose when speaking to someone.   Now why that was, I just don’t know.  Let me give you an example.  Let’s say I needed to go to the bathroom to relive myself.  If I was speaking to someone I might say, “O, I need to pee in the toilet!”  Instead of,” Excuse me, I need to use the restroom.”     

Now my biggest issue was, I have what is called, no mental barriers.  A barrier in our brain is the ability to stop yourself from saying something you are thinking of privately and not blurt it out both good or bad.  For example if you don’t like something someone is wearing or something you’re eating, that was home made at someone house, and you just blurt out what you’re thinking.   Now not only have you embarrassed yourself, but also you are hurting the other person with those words. Now if they realize you have that issue, it makes it even harder for them to deal with it!  Why you ask?  One, you spoke to them what you really thought of the situation.  Two, they realize you don’t have the ability to keep your true thoughts inside.  Third, they might still have to live with the negative opinion from someone they love and care about who just spoke up about how their clothes looked or their food tasted.

In the beginning the person with this issue might not realize what they are saying is wrong to say!  I know that I didn’t.  I just said whatever I was thinking about, anything about anybody, good or bad.  I would speak out about it, whether it was right or wrong to speak out about it, out loud!  Eighteen years later, it really bothers me about how bad it was for me back then!  Moreover, even though I fully understand why it was happening, I’m still very embarrassed.

I could not keep it to myself, nor could I tell a lie!  You would think that having a person around you, who could not lie, even if they wanted to, was marvelous!  However, in this culture everyone is into the little white lies, I couldn’t!  Over time due to losing the type of work I loved doing, do to certain issues in my private life, I would fool myself into believing I was someone else, and able to be  fool others I was this new person!  Those thoughts is what I used to give myself a better opinion of myself, after crying out to the Lord asking why was I not protected from those life events!!

I really hate to confess to you in writing, but I was hurt, mad, and upset with the Lord!  Boy am I a stupid man!  If anything the love of the Lord is why He let me live!  He let me live to not only look at myself and the ugly , horrible hurt that I had gone through in my life, but that by His grace He helped and is helping me rebuild both my physical and spiritual life.

Since that had happened, I was like Peter who denied the Lord 3 times, except I was denying the Lord in many ways!  However, let me say this, there is no soul, no human on earth that is or was perfect, except Jesus the Christ!  Before my brain injury, I constantly passed judgement on many people, issues, and works of others.  Yet the Lord stated, Judge not that you ne not judged!  “John 7:1 KJV

“Through My Mother’s Eyes, On Mother’s Day” By Denny C.

          

           Being that Sunday was Mother’s Day, I often wonder what was going in front of my mother’s eyes and her mind.  One of the things I have always wondered from time to time was how hard it must have been for my mother.  Even at this time, I being a man cannot even begin to understand what goes on in the heart of a mother, when she has been told, her child is not expected to live, or if they live, they will never be the same, let alone an adult.  This is what my mother was told just days before Mother’s Day.

  I wrote all of that to say this, Momma; I wish my severe injuries could be taken away from your memories!  What we, who have been injured might not understand, is the hard ship it places on those who love us.  Now let us think about our mothers who gave birth to us, and has all the memories of when we first said mommy, first cut our first tooth, first haircut, first day going to school, first day we drive a car on our own, first day we leave home to start our days as an adult!

My mother had to see me learn to talk again, start to remember and grow back to the age I was at that time.  Seriously, I had become that little 2-year-old, then recover slowly, mentally to a 33 year old.  While there is to be much, much more in my blog about my recovery, my mother will always have a special place in my heart. She had to endure many a sleepless night while I recovered from nearly dying, due to a severe brain injury.  Then to endure  his recovery but his marriage of that day where many lies where spread about him, that through time proved to be false but also caused a great stress in her soul.

The following excerpt from one of the most wonderful poems by Maggie Pittman , titled “Her Hands” sum up my love for my mother, thanks momma!

Her hands held me gently from the day I took my first breath.
Her hands helped to guide me as I took my first step.
Her hands held me close when the tears would start to fall.
Her hands were quick to show me that she would take care of it all.

What Fears You Have When Your Eyes 1st Open? By Denny C

                Okay, so what happened the 1^st time the “whole me” woke up?  While I had been awake for over 4 weeks , and had been working with those in physical, speech, cognitive, and music therapy, the whole me was still not awake.   Have you ever seen “50 First Dates” with Drew Barrymore and Adam Sandler?  There is an actor, who is in most if not all of Mr. Sandler’s movies named Allen Covert. His character is called Ten Second Tom.  Every time I watch that movie, I laugh in total understanding of that character.  Now while I don’t remember how long it would take for me to  forget those I would meet for the first time, if you walked way or started talking to someone else , then came back to me , I might not have remembered who you are!

                So when I woke up on June 29^th at 4:19 in the morning, the 1^st thing I saw was the roof and the walls of a hospital room.  I then started feeling around my body with my hands.  My left should was really sore, hmm but nothing keeping it immobile.  See I grew up in a medical family.  My father has been a registered nurse since 1972, and is still working full time at the age of 71 years old!  My mother has worked in the medical field as well and is still over an OBGYN’s office for over the last 30 years. Both my sisters have been R.N. and L.P.N.  I was even a physical therapist assistant while in high school, at Bass Hospital, now owned by Integris in Enid. Oklahoma.  I said all of this to explain why I was feeling my body to see if I could tell why I was in a hospital. 

                So I then felt my head, I had no hair, just stubble, due to it now started growing back, no bandages, no iv’s, no catheter, whew, I’m glad no catheter.  But what I did feel scared me, the incision that was healing around my head! What?  Why? Where is somebody?  There was no one sitting or sleeping by my bed!  And then the greatest fear pressed against my heart, where is my wife and kids? Are they alive, are they dead, are they in the hospital as well?  I then began to scream and a nurse ran in and said, “Denny, you do know your name is Denny?”  I said, “Yes, where is my family?”  She said, “They are home asleep, and you need to go back to sleep, or be quiet, there’s another patient in here with you.”  I said, “Ok, I understand.”  I did understand.  At this time, I cannot tell why I did not know where I was.  Oh, there will be more on all of this in future blogs to come, but next week’s blog might be odd to you, the reader, due to what I saw moments before I woke up that day, whom I spoke to, and what this person said, to me.

The Unknown Day Ahead ,When or If You Wake Up! by Denny Cochran

         Every morning you wake up, you must never take that day for granted!  You never know what the day will bring, right?  So every morning I pray, thanking the Lord for the day, He has given me.  I then start the day out realizing that other than my daily schedule, I cannot gaurentee what I'll experience but I trust the Lord will lead me in may daily events.

       The day on April 29th 2002, I started my day off getting cleaned up, took the kids to elementary school, then I and the wife I had back then, went to see a member of the church who was about to have a heart surgery and prayed for him and his family, then went to the bank to deposit my check , then was driving home to change clothes and go to weightwatchers.

         While driving accross a intersection on the feeder road to get on the Pasadena Highway, I felt a loud  bam!  It was right behind my head, then my van started spinning and I felt the seatbelt cut me then I felt my self fly out the door.......then?   

  

          For the next 2 and 1/2 months I can't tell you much of anything.  I have fleeting memories but very few, literally only 5.  I remember lying on the ground and not able to move except I could see my then wife sitting on the ground down from me.  Then I can remember seeing the flight emts giving me a thumbs up as they walked away from me in the er, but could not remember them on the flight or anything!!   Then I rememembered sitting with my parents and a girl in a chair accross from me, they kept telling me she was my girlfriend, due to my state of mind at that time.  That was my wife, back then, there will be much, much more on her in my stories to come.  Then there was seeing my grandmothers, but in my head I was the maturity of maybe a 4 to 5 year old, go figure. I then have a faint memory of my then wife and her family trying to get me to sign my name on something..  That event took place weeks after my severe brain injury. 

   Now in posts to come there will be much ,much more on this thought in the title up above, "The Unknown Day Ahead ,When or If You Wake Up!!"  While you will be reading these posts, this will be turned into a book, a book to help those who have and are undergoing a recovery from brain injuries.  A book, I hope, will help their families, who are  experiencing from their point of view, what can be extereme changes in their loved one's personality, or even memories and who they are!